My husband has been a police officer for many years. There have been many highs and lows throughout his time, and with experience, you begin to recognize the signs of fatigue and burnout. The stress can just start to eat away at them and it’s so important to know the signs so you can have some open communication about it.
My love came home last night, so incredibly weary, stressed, and frustrated with his department. It’s a “dog eat dog” world out there; a constant, never-ending cycle of people trying to make a name for themselves, no matter who it burns in the process. The things Officers see and deal with on calls usually results in a cumulative stress reaction, a build-up over time where it just explodes out of them. But you know what can really drain and drag them down on a constant basis? The daily pressure and political games departments put their officers through. Morale so deadly it just sucks the life out of every single person who walks through those doors. (*Scratching head* I wonder why Officers are leaving departments in droves?) The constant feeling where someone is always critiquing you, waiting to pounce on any and every bad judgement call you make to further their own career. The constant anxiety of them questioning your integrity or ability for their own personal gain. There is always someone making political moves up top, which makes it really easy to believe you are being directly targeted at all times if you aren’t participating in the “Good Ole Boy” system. Sounds fun right??
Weak leadership is a poison. There are pockets of corruption and shadiness that very swiftly eat away at the morale of a department. Along with cumulative stress, they deal with wondering who will jump to feed them to the wolves first. This job is difficult enough without adding the array of tension to their daily dose of crap. Department heads claim to care about Officers’ mental health, but what is the point of peer support and counseling if the problem causing it (them) doesn’t correct themselves and their toxic practices? I don’t wonder why the suicide rate in this profession is so high. It’s not rocket science. If you don’t mentally fortify, they can eat you alive.
So now that I’m off my soap box, how do you deal with the toxicity? This is where we come in, Wives.
I let him vent. He was angry and he got it all out. Every. Last. Bit. (It was a long night.) We discussed the ins and outs of the issue and came up with several “next moves”, weighing the pros and cons of every decision. We have built a relationship where he trusts my opinion and we communicate openly about everything. I know a lot more about his job and the people who work there than I ever care to, or probably ever would if he was any other profession. But he needs that support and understanding - they all do. Communication in this line of work is so crucial for the success of your marriage because this stress and worry tends to spill over into your personal lives. It’s usually just inevitable that these two worlds intertwine. We need to have enough insight where we can give them helpful and knowledgeable advice they can actively utilize. Because I can honestly say, when something happens to them, it happens to us. I feel the impact of that.
After a while, I gently encouraged him to look at it objectively, because stress and being overworked can change your point of view significantly. There are many MANY issues, and his points are all very valid. Due to the fact everyone looks out for themselves, there are very few you can really trust who have your back. That can really wear on their psyche and they must find ways to blow off the steam. In the heat of the moment, everything seems so much worse than it is until you have a chance to breathe, analyze, and come up with solutions. It’s important to recognize that perhaps they just need the time to re-calibrate, refocus on their “why”, and then it is so much easier to let things slide off their backs. Shady people will stay shady. My husband has fortified his mind and body enough that he can get frustrated, but he can push on through it. At the end of the day, his integrity will still be intact and that’s all that matters.
He went to work today with some new perspectives, a cooler head, and rest under his belt. Our job as their supporter is usually a tough one. We know what they are and the kind of men they strive to be. Insecure people will always try to tarnish those who have values, morals, and integrity. It’s a war that will never cease to wage. When people question my husband’s integrity, I take it as a personal insult, it’s hard not to. But I can quickly pick him up and dust him off with reassurance that he is a good man, no matter what anyone tries to throw at him. Most times it feels like it’s us against the world and usually, it really is. Treasure that.