I understand that not everyone fully grasps what it means to be the wife of a Law Enforcement Officer. How could they understand if they haven’t had both the pleasure and the pain of doing so? It’s okay. Let me try and explain.
When my husband gets ready for work, I watch him meticulously strap his body armor to his chest and back. I love that armor. I am grateful for that armor. I also hate that armor. That armor tells me that he puts himself in harm’s way every single time he steps out that door to protect and serve. I also know that armor may not save his life. I know that he has so many vulnerable spots for a knife to puncture or a bullet to penetrate.
When my husband heads out that door, I hug him tight. I won’t let him leave the house without exactly 6 kisses from me and 2 very tight, long hugs. I always tell him, “I love you. Be safe. Have a good night.” I would never let him leave without telling him those things. And then after I shut and lock the door, I say a prayer that God will keep him and his fellow LEO’s safe.
When my husband heads out that door, our 2 sweet little girls hug him tight. They have also become conditioned to tell him to be safe. They are 3 and 5. They adore him. They love him. They need him. He is their father first and a LEO second.
When my husband is on duty, I keep my phone on me at all times. I bought an Apple Watch so that I can feel the vibration in my sleep should he need me. I never go to sleep at night without talking to him on the phone. If he is busy, I send him a text that once again reminds him that I love him and I need him to be safe.
We have had the conversation about who will notify me in the event that he is severely injured or even killed while on duty. I go to bed every night making sure all my ducks are in a row in case I get that knock on the door in the middle of the night and I need to get to the hospital quickly.
The badge that my husband wears gives me a pride like I have never felt before. He was called by God to do this job. I know this because I was called by God to be his wife and let him do this job. God hand-picked this man for me. He is my heart and soul. The other half of my heart wears this badge. He is good and decent and has a degree of integrity that amazes me.
The badge that my husband wears puts a target on his back every single day. And for that I also loathe it. But to loathe it also forces me to question God’s judgement and plan. I refuse to do that so I push those feelings aside and allow peace in my heart.
That badge is something our daughters are so proud of. They love to tell people that their daddy is a police officer. They love to show their friends his badge. Because his profession is currently one of the most vilified, we have had to have some extremely hard discussions with them. We have had to tell them that they shouldn’t tell anyone that he is a police officer.
When my husband has time off we spend every second together as a family. We almost hate to spend time with others because that would mean focusing on people other than each other. When his days off are over, I worry and wonder if we were intentional enough. Did we love hard enough? Did we appreciate each other enough? If this goodbye is our last goodbye, will it feel like enough? The answer is no. It will never feel like enough.
Having a spouse in law enforcement means losing touch with friends who aren’t. It’s not because we don’t care about them or because we stop loving them. It’s because our perspective on the world changes. Our schedules don’t align. Our sense of humor becomes a little bit darker. But it also means that we gain a whole new group of friends. No, we gain a new family. We spend time with people who understand the rigors of the job. They understand the toll it takes on a family. They help us laugh in times that feel dark and they listen when we just need to get it out. They also all care deeply about their communities and their fellow humans. They serve because they value human life and want to make it better. I now have sisters all over the world. Sisters I may have never met in person, but they are there to listen when I need them the most.
For every negative that this job has brought to our lives there is also a positive. Sometimes it’s so very hard to see it, but it’s there. In times of darkness, such as these past few weeks, I may shed tears. I may feel anger and rage and I hate that because that’s not who I am. I lose faith in society and I question whether or not the human race is worthy of the risk my husband takes to protect it. And then, God sends me a reminder. A reminder that the human race is still worthy. That the innocent lambs need sheepdogs to watch over them. The smile of a stranger or the success story of a drug addict that my husband lifted up in his darkest times.
It’s not easy for those who don’t love a LEO to understand all of these things. And if I’m being honest with myself, they shouldn’t have to, but I’m always happy to explain it in the hopes that I can make even one person appreciate what my husband does a little more.
l Michelle l