This is something I’ve considered writing about for some time.
The “I” word.
Infidelity, and the various struggles attached to it, are often the elephant in the room we prefer to ignore, dismiss and shove into the corner to avoid the uncomfortable reality of this rampant issue. Naively, and often presumptuously, people think it will never happen to them as we don’t enter marriage expecting to one day be walking the path of a betrayed spouse. Some may think they avoid being “jinxed” by stupidly and dangerously ignoring, downplaying and acting like their marriage is bulletproof. If they just believe and remain positive, fully trust their spouse, don’t talk about it, avoid setting boundaries that may make them feel like they lack faith or trust in their spouse or acknowledge the epidemic around them, all will be well in their world. It really is such a dangerous place to be!
There are many aspects of affairs that can be discussed, but I want to address the issue of despair attached to infidelity. It’s extremely challenging to make decisions that are life changing or altering when you’re in any difficult position or storm of life that creates despair.
What happens when a spouse has an affair and breaks the vow they’ve made in promising to love, honor, respect, protect and cherish till death do them part and leaves saying they want a divorce? Or when he/she sneaks around enjoying the pleasures of an easy, careless, fast and fleeting fling? It seems the faithful, devastated and betrayed spouse often times ends up begging the spouse that betrayed them to stay and work it out for the sake of their family. Their desire to preserve and protect the world they’ve created is a very honorable, admirable, and worthy battle to choose to fight as the family is the foundation of society. But, is the groveling, begging or lowering your standard the best way to go into the fight?
Is telling your spouse you will do anything to make it work, operating from a position of self dignity and respect? Does that sound like it’s coming from a position of strength? Is it really unreasonable for you to expect and demand any changes if you are willing to try working it out with the spouse that’s wronged you and their family? Should you allow them to repeatedly disrespect your wedding vows with no actions taken just to have your family unit together? What example is it setting for your children to accept in their future relationships when they see no consequences or expectations placed to correct repeated wrong behavior?
As someone who has walked through infidelity, I know first hand what it’s like to want to protect and preserve your family. I completely get that! However, since I’ve been through that and have talked and walked along side so many LEOW’s, my eyes are wide open to the vastness of the issue of infidelity and the desperation that often follows it. My heart goes out to all who experience betrayal, and I empathize with them as you can never imagine what it’s like to walk in those shoes until you are forced to wear them. It’s extra disheartening to see so many trying to keep it all together for the sake of their families, at any cost to their self worth and dignity.
Think back to some of the qualities that your spouse was attracted and drawn to when he met you. When I think of what many men are drawn to in women, these are some things that come to my mind: beauty, intelligence, strength, confidence, faith, morals, beliefs, independence, personality, kindness, compassion, gentleness, etc.
As time moves forward and life significantly changes after marriage, with jobs, growing families and juggling the constant adapting lives we live, some of those qualities that drew us to our spouse can become a bit buried as our lives change through the various seasons and our identities get lost as wives, mothers, LEOWs, etc.
There was a new young mother with an infant child who was shocked to learn her husband was having an affair. She still loved him and she was in total state of despair and desperation to keep her new little family intact.. She told him she would do anything to make it work, yet he didn’t seem to be interested in her pleas. From an outside perspective, do you think he felt any sense of urgency to rectify any of his behavior when she didn’t demanded more of him? Do you think he felt like he was going to need to put in any work or serious effort to win her back and make things right?
As I’ve seen despair repeatedly play out throughout our community, as I’ve talked to many about it, and as I’ve reflected on my own journey, this Bible verse came to my mind a while back. “She is clothed with strength and dignity; and laughs without fear of the future.” ~ Proverbs 31:25. She is clothed in strength and dignity! That’s an attractive quality that was important enough to point out about this wife! There is beauty in strength! What does that look like to you when you think of that? I see a woman who’s strength, integrity and dignity are intact - which allows her laugh at the future without fear. She is a woman to be feared! There is no dignity found in lowering standards, allowing passes, or groveling for anyone. I don’t care who they are.
Countries often respect and fear the strength of those who show their strength and they won’t mess them. Men can be a lot like that. When they need a reality check in life, does allowing yourself to be walked over, disrespected and repeatedly humiliated accomplish that? When they are living reckless lives and aren’t making God honorable, respectful or loving choices, does allowing them to have the upper hand serve your situation well? Does allowing them to continue being in the driver’s seat when you are the one that has been wronged, give them any incentive or motivation to truly contemplate any urgency or need to change?
I want to encourage any of you who find yourselves in this situation to hold on. Pray, pray, pray. Let things simmer down before pulling any triggers that you may later regret having pulled. Give yourself time and let things sink in for a little while as you digest and sort things out. Hasty and stressed decisions without much clarity aren’t usually the best decisions to make. Never feel ashamed for fighting for your marriage! You will never regret fighting for it, regardless of what the outcome may be! You can find peace knowing you gave it your best shot and can be proud for choosing to fight. That being said, while fighting for it, don’t lose the worth and the dignity that God blessed and placed within you when He created you - to your current circumstances.
If you believe in God, find comfort in knowing the days of your life are already ordained for you. Nothing you can say or do will change the outcome of that master plan already designed and completed for your life. Ask God to give you the strength to navigate those deep waters with grace, love, wisdom and dignity. With His help you can make it through this storm and come out of it a better person, and possibly a better marriage than before.
I know every situation is so different. I hope you can hear my heart when I say I pass no judgment on any for staying and fighting, repeatedly fighting, or walking away. It’s so hard. Probably one of the hardest thing you’ll ever experience. What matters is that you have an anchor and the perfect peace to keep moving through life regardless of what is thrown your way in this crazy world.
Know that you have value. Others choices and actions don’t define you. Your choices, actions and responses define you and reflect who you are.
You have worth. You were created in Gods image. You are precious in His eyes. You are so loved. You are stronger than you realize; don’t forget the beauty in strength! Keep your head held high, that chin up, and your eyes focused toward heaven! He’s the best friend you could ever have! Cast your cares in Him because He cares for you! He’s got you!
PS. To friends and family…
The best thing you can do is support your loved ones decision is to support them without judgment or pressure either way. Many may unknowingly push them further into despair by things said that make them feel like they have to make a particular choice their loved one would approve of. That heavy weight of expectations that many assume in trying not to disappoint those that stand by them in their dark hour is very real for many. Remind them that they have the gift of time on their side and that they don’t have to make a decision right away. Allow them the time to think, pray and let God lead them with His perfect peace and timing. It’s not about everyone else’s happiness and life, but rather them and their family’s. There is not a “one size fits all” method or magic bullet for anyone in this situation. Allow the person living through it the space to make the decision to stay and fight, or walk away. They ultimately have to live with the outcome of that difficult and painful choice, and either choice is a hard one for them to make without anyone adding to it.