Evidence of Life

Have you ever heard anyone use the phrase “evidence of life,” to describe a mess?  I heard it on a TV show recently and it was an elderly man describing all of the stuff he had accumulated and saved throughout the years.  He was proud of what he had and explained that instead of it being a mess, it was simply evidence that he had truly lived.  What an amazing way to look at things. 

I often find myself getting frustrated with the messes in our house.  The kids’ toys are almost always strewn about the living room.  I have laundry stacked in the dining room.  If there is a flat-surface there is likely something that doesn’t belong on it.  It drives me crazy, especially after I see photos on social media of someone’s perfectly organized home.  I have a tendency to compare my life to theirs and it causes resentment because I feel like I will never be able to achieve that level of serenity and perfection.  And you know what?  I may not and that’s okay.

My messes are evidence of life being lived in our home.  The messes are evidence of the night-shift my husband works to protect and serve the communities we live in.  They are evidence of the fact that I work out of the home 4 days a week and the rest of the time is spent doing my best to make sure the kids are fed and loved.  The messes are evidence of my time spent following my dream of writing and helping other LEOWS feel better about navigating their own messes.  They are also evidence of the fact that when we have time together as a family we use it intentionally to have fun and just be in the moment.

I’m not necessarily proud of the fact that my house is messy, but I am going to look at those messes a little differently from now on.  I’m going to remind myself that we always have clean dishes to eat off of and the clothes are always clean even if they are still in baskets in the dining room.  The toys in the living room are a beautiful reminder that we are able to provide for our kids and that they will always have something to play with.  I will celebrate the little victories at the end of each day, even if the house is not exactly how I would like it to look.  My life may not look like the next person’s but it is no less valuable or blessed.  And neither is yours.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed with life, I challenge you to look around at the messes, both physical and emotional, and see them just a little bit differently.  All those messes are simply evidence of life and it’s likely a blessed life.  Don’t ever forget that God loves you in all of your messy glory.  I’m guessing that your LEO feels the same.  Take some of the pressure off yourself.  This LEO life is hard enough without piling on the need to have the perfect home as well.  (If you have a perfect home, I am not bashing you for even a second.  Please send all of your amazing hints and tips.)

Remember this Bible verse when you get overwhelmed: “He has made everything beautiful in its time.”  Ecclesiastes 3:11

Hand over that mess to God and allow Him to make it beautiful and while you wait, remind yourself it is evidence of life and that you have a home in which love lives.  

  l Michelle l 

Forgiveness

When I was a kid, Christmas was all about presents and that magical feeling waking up and knowing Santa had been there and that maybe…just maybe…the pony you were dreaming of would be under the tree waiting for you.  (It never was just FYI…the closest we got was a bird one year…you can’t ride a parakeet, Mother!!!) 

As I got older, the holiday was more and more about finding the perfect gift for someone special, being with family, and of course celebrating the birth of Christ. 

We think of the holidays as a time of cheer, a time for celebrating traditions, giving to others, and eating our weight in fudge, but if you watch just about any Christmas movie, you’ll see the overwhelming theme of forgiveness.  Rudolph forgives the reindeer who called him names, Scott Calvin forgives his ex-wife and her new, sweater-wearing husband for not believing he’s Santa, and the entire town of Whoville forgives the Grinch for stealing their roast beast and packages.  

I’ve thought a lot about forgiveness lately.  I’ve decided that it’s not for the faint of heart.  What I mean is…it isn’t always as easy to do as Kevin makes it look when his mom comes home after leaving him alone to defend his house from two bumbling bad guys. 

I have to confess that I am excellent at holding grudges and don’t find it easy to forgive.  Or maybe it’s not holding grudges exactly…I am extremely bad at letting go of things that have hurt me.  I hold on to hurt and anger wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too long…just like that pair of jeans that no longer fit but I refuse to add to the donation box.  And what do I get out of holding on to all of that resentment?  Nothing.  Absolutely nothing.   

As we are looking into the face of a brand new year…I encourage you to try and let go of at least a little of the past…believe me…I get that it’s often one little baby step at a time.  So start with something small…like how about the social media comments made by complete strangers about our LEO’s…or have you had them made thoughtlessly by family or friends?  Maybe they’ve never asked for forgiveness and have no intention of doing so…but I promise you…harboring that bitterness in your own heart can eventually make you into someone you never intended to be.  If you can’t or think you aren’t ready to let go of the anger and resentment for them…do it for yourself. 

In the middle of this busy time, take a moment or two to reflect on the past year.  I pray that you have the courage and strength to let go of the hurts you may be holding on to.   

My family will celebrate Christmas a day late this year and I’m sure many of you will open gifts a few days early or maybe a few days after the 25th.  Whenever Santa manages to show up…I pray you have a very special and blessed holiday. 

“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him…”  Romans 15:13 

l Sandee l

Hypervigilence

Let’s talk about hypervigilance for a minute. This is something that most of us have probably heard about, but do we fully understand the repercussions it has on our LEOS? I have seen countless spouses/significant others post questions or comments in groups about how their LEO has changed. Maybe he/she is apathetic or not participating in family life. Sometimes he/she is short and snapping at loved ones. I’m guessing we’ve all seen that side at least once or twice throughout our LEO’s career. It’s not necessarily your LEO’s fault. It’s likely due to this crazy hypervigilance roller coaster they are all riding during their shifts. There is a lot of science that goes into this process and I’ve been reading books trying hard to understand it all so I can be better at giving my own LEO grace.

We always hear about how trauma affects first responders, but the truth is, even the most mundane shift creates some hypervigilance. No traffic stop or 911 investigate is routine anymore. They can’t go into those stops or calls without being at a heightened state of awareness. They need to be able to react in a split-second. Their body and mind then need 18-24 hours to recover from this state. This plain sucks for the loved ones who want to interact with them on their days off. It’s safe to say that it sucks for the LEOS as well. They want to be present, but sometimes it’s nearly impossible to feel ready before they go back to work and the cycle starts over.

Understanding this allows me to give my LEO more grace. I’m not saying that this gives our LEOS freedom to be jerks. It just gives us a little perspective shift to understand why they may be mindlessly scrolling on their phones or staring blankly at the TV on their first day off. After I learned about this cycle, it was easier for me to talk to my husband about how it affects me as well. Starting a conversation with understanding is far more productive than when a person goes on the offensive attack right away.

If you are feeling as though your LEO is slipping away or not interested in sharing life with you, it is probably not the case at all. He/she is simply trying to navigate this hypervigilance roller coaster of a career. There are a lot of resources out there that can explain this in depth. Don’t give up on your LEO. Take some time to do some research on the topic and try to see it from his/her perspective. It can really make a world of difference for you both.

Check out these books:

Emotional Survival for Law Enforcement (A Guide for Officers and Their Families) by Kevin M. Gilmartin, Ph.D.

Hold the Line (The Essential Guide to Protecting Your Law Enforcement Relationship) by Cyndi Doyle, LCP-S

I Love a Cop (What Police Families Need to Know) by Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D.

l Michelle l

You Can Do Anything

Bah, humbug!  I might be struggling with a bit of seasonal depression and maybe some of you are too.  I know, I know…but it’s the most wonderful time of the year!   What is wrong with me?!?!  Santa arrives in less than a month and there is so much to do.  Who has time to be down in the dumps? 

I continually find myself being so tired of the things going on in this world.  I’m sick of the pandemic…of the media…of politics…and just all of the drama.  It seems like my LEO’s department can’t seem to stay out of the news for 5 minutes and my heart sinks every time I even glance at my social media feed. 

Normally, I thoroughly enjoy Thanksgiving.  I live for all of the cooking, baking, and just having my family together.  This was the first year that we experienced my LEO son having to work a holiday.  Not only did I really miss seeing his face at the table, but I felt anxious about him being on duty that night.  Overall, the day just wasn’t all I had hoped it would be…and to top it off my stinkin’ turkey was dry (Gah!  The horror!)! 

I thought decorating the house for Christmas would cheer me up.  But now my back aches from digging out 37 boxes of holiday decor and it looks more like Buddy the Elf threw up in my living room rather than the elegant, department store window display look I was aiming at. 

For whatever reason, I’ve never really watched it before, but I have even tried leaving the Hallmark Channel on non-stop.  I thought it would be nice to have some low-stress, happy, holiday shows on.  Spoiler alert…they fall in love and save the cookie factory…every…single…time. 

I honestly can’t tell you that anything is wrong.  I’ve just sort of dug myself into a little funk and am having trouble pulling up out of it.  If you can relate at all, I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, but let’s do something about it! 

Where do you go when you need a little encouragement?  Do you call a friend, come to this group page, do a Google search for encouraging scriptures, or “D” all of the above?  I just read that just a bit of dark chocolate can help improve a mood…definitely adding that to my list! 

One of the most important things we can do as women is to encourage each other and to simply just be there for one another.  Doing something kind for someone else is one of the quickest ways I end up being able to boost my own mood.  It doesn’t have to be anything major either.  My co-worker’s face completely lit up today when I told her how great her hair looked.  Her smile made me smile and that’s all it took to perk me up. 

During this time of year especially, I think we can tend to just let life overwhelm us and we need a reminder of what we are called to do and who we are called to be.  Be someone’s reason to smile today…buy the person in line next to you a cup of coffee…give a simple compliment to someone who might need it...text another LEOW that you are praying for her today (and then do it).  I'm sure their spirits will be lifted and it wouldn't surprise me if yours were too.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as in fact you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 

l Sandee l 

Police Wife Life

Well…we made it through another year of trick-or-treating.  I’ve hidden all the Milk Duds that were in the candy bucket (ya know…just for emergencies) and am now moving on to the holiday season.  The media is slamming us with messages that stores will be in short supply of whatever it is we think we need, I’m in the middle of a time-consuming project at work, and it’s a balmy 43 degrees here today.  I feel cold, cranky, and slightly overwhelmed. 

The holiday season in general can be overwhelming for many of us.  As women we tend to take on the brunt of the planning, decorating, shopping, cleaning, and cooking during this time of year.  I know it can be especially hard on many of us right now with so many departments understaffed and our LEO’s working more and more overtime shifts.  The burden of making everything magically happen and come together for a memorable holiday for our families is a lot to handle! 

It can help to make a plan now rather than later.  Start by adding your LEOs extra shifts to the calendar, but also pick a date for your favorite family movie night (even if it is Home Alone).  Schedule the tree decorating, gingerbread house making, and when or if you’ll be visiting extended family.  If my LEO is working tons of extra hours and I’m missing him, it makes me feel better knowing I have something to look forward to.   

Remember…being flexible with your plans is the unwritten LEOW motto.  We already know that my family won’t be celebrating Thanksgiving on November 25th with the rest of America.  Santa will also wait to fill our stockings until the wee hours of the morning on December 26th.  It certainly won’t be the first or last time we have had to change up days when we celebrate a holiday due to shift work.  It may not always be exactly what you’ve planned, but being able to adapt to ever changing work schedules is extremely important in this law enforcement lifestyle.  I’ll be the first to say that I haven’t always done it with grace and I’m still learning, but it does come with the territory. 

Lastly, I strongly encourage you to take time when you can for yourself in the coming weeks. Sneak in a pedicure while out shopping for gifts.  Take the extra 4 minutes alone in your car and replay your favorite song.  Work a 20-minute power nap into your afternoon.  Call a friend for some encouragement and be sure to give it right back when you can. 

For those of you experiencing your first holiday season with your LEO…or the first one where you may be alone while he works…hang in there and go easy on yourselves.  It can be rough scrolling through social media feeds of Christmas morning festivities while your LEO is working and you are just praying he comes home safe.  While others may not always understand what you’re going through…we do…and your sisters in blue are right here…with a stash of emergency Milk Duds if you need some. 

l Sandee l

Trauma Response

Let’s talk about trauma responses and our LEOs. Mine is really good at hiding his emotions. It is a skill they acquire due to the number of awful things they witness and have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. Sights that no other humans should have to see more than once, they see daily. Then they come home to us and have to put on a normal face, try to save us from the horrors they see during the day.

They pretend it’s just another weekday when in their reality, it’s not. They just spent 12 hours witnessing overdoses, deaths, accidents, homicides, neglect, assaults, the list goes on and on. Then they have to come home, shut it off and pretend to be normal for family. How awful for them! How do we help our LEOs through these things? I don’t know of a department that has the proper mental health support for officers. I know there is push for change but that can take years. So what can we do as a family support in the meantime? How do we have these difficult conversations and offer support?

I can only speak to what has worked well for my family, and everyone is different! But if I can help one other family here then it’s worth it! First, when I notice him in an “off” mood I straight up ask how his last shifts were, sometimes he just gives it a one worded response or a “fine, just another day.” Sometimes he goes into more detail and will say he had a fatal crash, pursuit, etc.” Sometimes I’m visiting with a friend, and they’ll ask how he’s doing and tell me what their husband told me that they saw. Which is usually not the good calls. He likes to shield us from those things. I like to live in ignorant bliss most of the time, so I really am ok with being clueless most of the time, just not when my guy is struggling!

So, once I know what his shifts were like we can move on to how his behavior is. Is he stressed/anxious/distant? How his outward mood is how I base our next steps. If he’s feeling stressed/busy minded I’ll encourage him to go do something he likes doing solo—ie: fishing, walking through the woods, or tinkering around the garage.

If he seems distant, I’ll suggest a family date day. We’ll do a mini road trip to the zoo, take a side-by-side ride, go get a pizza and watch a movie and just enjoy each other’s company! Invite friends over to play cards, it doesn’t have to be big! The small things are good for the soul.

Sometimes I just have to ask what he wants, space or family time? I’m not saying we need to wait on our spouses hand and foot, but mental health has to be a priority and sometimes marriage isn’t 50/50. A lot of the time, especially in law enforcement, it’s more like 70/30, or even more skewed on a long work stretch! Ha.

What does your spouse like to do? What is their outlet? Help them find an outlet if they don’t have one! (alcohol should not be one. It’s so easy to disappear into the basement to watch TV with a beer or two and have that become a habit.) Find the good. Remind them there is good. Gosh I know it’s hard, believe me, but they must see and DO good things. Go to church, have dinner with friends and family, play with kids and see the spark in their eyes. Take a break from that honey-do list and just do the things you LIKE to do. It’s amazing what a little focused attention does.

This is not the root fixer of the trauma they see, they need a professional for that, but it’s something to help bring them back to reality and see a little glimmer of good and happiness in their lives. I don’t want my husband to become too jaded, but if I can pull him out of the hole a little, then I call that a win!

Also putting a plug out there: Follow TacMobility on Instagram/TikTok/FB, right now! She’s amazing and really pushing hard for change for our LEOs and their mental health support. It’s awesome and refreshing to see someone working so hard to help our LEOs!

l Danielle l 

My Son Has Your Back

I have known what it is to love and be married to man who is a police officer.   I know what it is to be worried when he hasn’t called and should have been home 43 minutes ago.  I know the relief when he finally walks in the door and rips off his vest.  SWAT calls have shattered my sleep at 2 a.m. and I’ve slept in a half empty bed night after night during years of graveyard shifts.  I’ve sat glued to the news watching protests that turned into riots, begging my phone to beep with a text saying all is code 4.  I know what it is to feel like a single, but married woman and I’ve picked more bullets out of my washing machine than I know what to do with. 

None of that…I am telling you none of it…prepared me for becoming the mother of a police officer. 

At 3 years old, Colton was a blonde, blue-eyed, little boy who was very strong-willed and determined to do whatever it was he wanted to do, no matter what his Mom said.  I was exhausted and frustrated with my patience worn beyond thin…and so…I prayed… “God, give me the strength to raise this sweet, stubborn boy.” 

During his high school years, I’ll never forget the day he called me panic stricken, struggling to speak and in severe pain.  At the emergency room a spinal tap was ordered to check for meningitis…and so…I prayed… “Dear God, please just let my boy be ok.” 

When the time to pick a college finally came about, he was strongly considering joining the military instead.  I knew I would be one proud military mom, but to be honest this option for his life just terrified me.  He told me if a college did recruit him to be on their baseball team, then he would go to school instead…and so…I prayed… “Dear Lord, I’m begging you, please let him make the team.” 

As their mother, it has always been my job to protect my children…to catch them before they fall down…to make sure they wore their bike helmets…to monitor what movies they watched and what video games they played.  It was my job to keep them fed, clothed, and to make sure their homework was done on time.  It was my job to help them work through their sibling squabbles and I even found myself helping with those horrendous science fair projects (Can a potato be a battery?  News flash…no one cares!) 

These days I can’t help but feel a little lost.  It’s no longer my duty to protect my son and I couldn’t even if I tried.  It’s now his job to protect others.  He’s been called to stand up for those that can’t stand up for themselves.  He will be exposed to human misery, conflict, and horrors that I can’t bring myself to even consider.   

And so…I continue to pray…”Dear Lord, please protect my son.  Walk in front of him.  Walk behind him. Bring him home safe.” 

Some nights…I even manage to sleep. 

l Sandee l

Standing Out

I was walking down my driveway one evening after pulling my trash can from the top of the driveway. After putting it away I turned around to see a lone flower on my hedging. It was white and beautifully formed. Now I love admiring flowers but I’m no gardener. I don’t plant them, I don’t buy them for myself only to giveaway, I simply admire them from a distance. Why? Because I can never keep plants alive. Heck, I don’t even know the name of this plant, bush, hedge hiding my front porch. Either way, it was beautiful. It made me think of myself as a LE wife and my family.

We are part of a huge tree but sometimes we stand alone. And it’s ok. We are a law enforcement family that’s part of a church community. But we stand out because we are a law enforcement family. We are a LE family with a special needs son. Sometimes we stand out in the LE community because of that. As a LE wife sometimes I stand out because I’m black. At some point or another we all stand out. It’s not a bad thing, at lest not for me it isn’t. I love standing out. I love being different. I love representing the TBL and most times that definitely makes me stand out.

What made that single flower on the entire hedging so profound was the fact that it bloomed so beautifully and perfectly. It owned it’s position on the bush even though it was the only flower. I always tell my girls you can’t stand out if you’re busy trying to fit in. It’s ok to be different. It’s ok to be unique. You can not make a difference if you don’t stand out, but in standing out you must do it with confidence. Own your position as a LE wife whether you’re in a room full of doubters or not. You should see me walk through Walmart with a TBL shirt on. I respond to sneers with smiles every single time. On the inside I wonder if it’s the shirt or my hair or if there’s something on my face. When I have my son with me and he goes off in his own world I pretend to not see the sneers and I don’t try to tame him. I own my position as a mom with a special needs son.

I know it’s easier said than done. But your ability to show yourself beautiful and confident in whatever crowd you may find yourself, might just be what another wife needs to see. When you stand out you provide a struggling wife with an opportunity to reach out for help. Hold your head up, wear that smile (and t-shirt) with confidence. Blue line sister you were made to stand out, not simply fit in. You, my love, are a world-changer. Own it!

l Kerry-Ann l

What is Your Story?

What does the story of life with your LEO look like?  Are you writing the first few chapters where you are discovering what it is to love someone in law enforcement? Are you learning to sleep alone while he works the swing shift?  Have you felt the frustration of spending all afternoon preparing a new recipe only for it to be tossed into the fridge because he’s on a late call? 

Or…are you in the middle of your story where maybe things are a bit messy?  Maybe you’re tired of feeling like a single parent and sick of going to backyard barbeques and get-togethers alone because it seems he is always working.  Maybe the approaching holiday season just seems overwhelming.  Why plan a Thanksgiving turkey if you’ll be the only one eating it…don’t even mention that you already know there’s no way he will be home Christmas morning.   

In another week, my LEO and I will celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary.  Do I think the story of our lives thus far would be different…would there have been less bumps in the road…if he wasn’t a LEO?  To be completely honest, yes…you just simply cannot survive years of raising kids in the midst of graveyard shifts and think otherwise.   

My LEO and I have chapters in our life together where everything is new and exciting.  Those years were full of babies, moves to new houses, puppy adoptions…and I can’t tell you how proud I was pinning that badge on him when he graduated from the academy all those years ago. 

There are chapters where I learned to be more flexible and had to adapt to changing plans and shifts.  Dinners can always be reheated and I promise the best holidays are the ones spent together.  Christmas can be just as special when celebrated on the 26th. 

There are chapters where I did feel like a single mom…where I was tired of being lonely, drowning in a sea of diapers, and felt like a failure at being a LEOW.  There are chapters where I just held on and prayed and pages that were really, really hard to write…but we plugged along…scribbling through them as best we could.  They taught me that even when you think you’re on the brink of breaking, God in all of his infinite wisdom and mercy is right there. 

The bottom line is that perfect, storybook marriages don’t exist…no matter what you see on someone else’s social media.  Every relationship has its share of struggles and flaws…no matter what career paths are chosen.  I feel beyond blessed to have an amazing husband who still loves putting on the uniform every day. 

If I had to start over from the beginning, would I do it all over again?  Without a doubt.  Whether you are just starting out with your LEO or you’re right in the thick of this messy life, please know that God is there in the middle of it with you.  My LEO has several years before he plans on retiring and we have many more chapters to write…no matter what those pages hold, I’m thankful to be right here with him.  

Jeremiah 29:11  “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” 

l Sandee l 

It Takes Work

My hubby and I will be married for 9 years this coming November. Our love story is a bit different than what you may be used to. When we said our “I do’s” we didn’t go into the honeymoon phase. It was rough from the get-go. I didn’t know what the term “badge bunny” meant. I didn’t know women would be so blatant in showing their interest in my man. Heck, his ex-wife re-surfaced. The good thing was we made a promise to each other before our wedding day. We said divorce wouldn’t be an option. We would either work it out or live together like roommates. It takes work. It takes a lot of work to have a great marriage.

There was plenty I needed to learn about being a military and a law enforcement wife. While the worlds had similarities, there are also a world of differences. In LE for the most part, he comes home at the end of the day, and we can decompress together. Sometimes he doesn’t want to talk, and I get it. I allow him the space and time to process whatever it is. I don’t take it personal or get offended. This takes work. He usually circles back around in a day or two. Or I remind him to “tell me about the other day”. Communication is important. Effective communication is important. This allows you both to be on the same page, especially when he had a difficult day or week at “the office”.

Oh, then there is the trust factor. I’m tired already just thinking about how much work this part of a LE marriage needs. Trust him when he has a hot female partner. Trust him when he’s home from work late without a heads up. Trust him when it seems like he’s being secretive. Trust him when he seems a bit too attached to his phone. And the list goes on. Here’s the deal. We know our spouses. We know their hearts. We know their capabilities. I love surprises, but I also manage our finances. The only way for him to surprise me certain ways is if he has an account for himself that I know about. I have access to it, but I don’t ever check it. All marriages need trust in order to work. But in LE, adding a layer of boundary to it makes it easier for trust to exist. Again, it takes work.

Nothing good comes easy. Same in marriage and partnership. It takes maintenance to keep anything going. Machinery, vehicles, friendships and yes, marriages. Maintenance could look like doing three to five counseling sessions together just because, going on a marriage retreat out of state, attending a marriage conference once a year, having mentors that have real experience in the marriage world and have been successful. Simpler maintenance tools are frequent dates (yes, when possible); I know, their schedules, but make it a priority. And for heaven’s sake, put the phones down. Read books together (audio books do count) about strengthening marriages. Books on LE marriages are always great, but regular ones are good too.

Marriage takes work. A healthy, striving, peaceful marriage takes a lot of work. I look back over the almost 9 years of ours and I look at the work it took for us both to be where we are, and I have to say it was well worth it. We learned a lot about ourselves and about each other. We also learned a lot about marriage itself.

 l Kerry-Ann l

You Can't Pour From an Empty Cup

You can’t pour from an empty cup. My cup has been on the verge of being empty for a bit now. I blame my trailblazing, overly positive efforts earlier this year, but I know it’s a multitude of reasons. I’m struggling with just finishing my day-to-day tasks in ‘real’ life, let alone the extra load of things I do outside of home/work life. I volunteer a lot, I blog here, I coach on the side. Plus, I had this bright idea to sign our 4-year-old up for hockey (please remind me to not sign up for more stuff, k). I was sitting on the couch last night, with a pile of toddler sized laundry in front of me, a kitchen with a mountain of dishes, a garage with like 9 cats-yes 9. Don’t worry mama cat is going Thursday to get fixed, and all the kittens are going to great homes. I looked at my husband and asked if it would ever slow down. I mean seriously, it was COVID frantic right away in 2020, then it was the riots/protests in the summer, more COVID, more protests, and the saga continues 18 months later.

I am burnt TF out. I am tired. I am tired of the anger in our country. I feel like everywhere I look there is anger. I wish I could turn it off. I can’t. I’m married to a cop where if the anger isn’t pointed at them right now, it’s pointed at healthcare and that’s where I spend my days. I’m exhausted, burnt out, looking for a way out of my career every single day. Wishing I could just hide with my little family and pretend the outside world isn’t so dang ugly. Unfortunately, our spouses have to go out and continue to deal with the ugly every day, and so alas, we cannot pretend we live in a fantasy world even if I still sometimes pretend, I do. I hope that someday we can all find common ground again, I hope it’s sooner rather than later, but it seems to just be getting worse.

I was on the verge of turning off my social media pages again but who am I kidding, I can’t stop watching mindless tik-toks at 10pm (but seriously they’re so funny, they make me happy, haha). So instead, I continued in the cycle. Then voila, I read a minimalist family’s article about how all the stuff in their lives impeded them from truly living their best life. And if you know me, living my best life is my motto. I want to be happy. I want to be FREE of negative energy. So this last week I have been meaningful with my time. If my baby wants to snuggle, I stop what I’m doing, and I snuggle. If one wants me to get in the tub with them and play mermaids, you best bet I’m going to be a mermaid. If they want cereal and chocolate milk for supper, sounds good to me because then I don’t have to cook (I promise they eat balanced meals often, even though I make it seem like we live off Cheetos and McNuggets). The minimalist article was great, though, I don’t think I could follow a minimalist lifestyle. Girlfriend said she only had one cardigan. ONE. I have like 39 and still find myself wanting another one (maybe I have a problem…no, I don’t, I’m perfect. Ignore my wandering brain today).

Once I started on one article, I was up until 1 AM reading all these other random things; my Facebook algorithm knows I have ADD, I swear. But, the articles I was reading had me thinking. WHY are things getting like this? The fighting, and true anger between people. I believe it’s a mutual misunderstanding, coupled with the social media component that easily lets us forget there are people behind that profile picture. I want us all to stop and think before we type: “Is this comment going to be helpful, or is it going to hurt someone’s feelings?” If it’s going to be helpful, by all means, post it (please post how to clean your house with minimal effort.) If it’s just going to make someone feel bad, then don’t post it. With it being September and suicide awareness month it’s time we all collectively say, “Enough.” And don’t give in to the burning desire to post something petty/rude, even if you think it’ll make you feel better, down the road it won’t. Take the time, reflect. Is it going to be helpful, or will this hurt someone? I mean we can almost always tell if we are going to hurt someone’s feelings.

If we all take small steps to come together again, we can, and we will. It’s been done before. The country has been divided and come back together, usually through a tragedy. So this time let’s not wait for the tragedy. Let’s build each other up. Foster our relationships in a positive way. Make our family smile, be there for our friends who are struggling. Check in with one person a day, even if that person is yourself. Check yourself, are you spinning around, just surviving? Take a second and refocus. I want us all to thrive. Life is too short. It’s too unpredictable. Our spouses’ careers are crazy. Enjoy the days we have with them. Laugh a lot. Let go of the petty things (like the laundry on the floor, dirty work boots that tracked mud all over, the heavy belt random places.) and embrace it because we can make a difference, we are here to make a difference, and I truly believe that! Happy Thursday friends, may the next week be a good one!

l Danielle l

With These Hands

My husband called me to talk about his day at work while he drove home one evening. He laughed and talked with the kids before he spoke to me. Our 6 year old asked how his day was and he responded with good. With that he said, “here mommy” and handed me the phone. I greeted him with a perky, “hey babe” and without skipping a beat he responded with today was not a good one. I immediately thought he got reprimanded for something. Being a sergeant comes with perks but more than that it comes with responsibilities. So if he didn’t screw up, someone below him did. Plus the last time we spoke he was in his lieutenant’s office. I was wrong!

He held a 60 something year old woman as she took her last breath. He responded to an accident scene where he found the lady folded up on the floor front passenger side of her car. He removed her, unfolded her and started all the life saving techniques he was taught in his medic training. But her condition was just too bad. After her last sigh and no response from verbal commands, chest compressions were done and her pulse was checked but she was gone. His heart broke for her, for her family, for her friends. His heart broke because despite his best efforts he couldn’t save her. 

When he got home we hugged and kissed. He told everyone hey and all. As he undid his vest, took his shoes off, put his lunch container in the sink, I couldn’t help but to focus on his hands. Those beautiful hands of his have experienced so much. With those hands he has delivered babies. With those hands he has held inconsolable mothers. With those hands he helped kids crossed the street. With those hands he held our son after he was brought back to life. With those hands he has had to fight for his life. With those hands he held our teenage daughter several times as she cried. With those hands he has arrested murderers, drug dealers, rapists, con artists. With those hands he has pulled mangled bodies from vehicles. With those hands he has held babies as they took their last breath. I’m pretty sure your spouse’s hands have several of these experiences as well. 

Then it occurred to me that so many of our officers have the same experience and then when life hits them with everything it has, with those hands they have taken their lives. Death by suicide among our law enforcement has become an epidemic. One that needs serious attention. I’ve told my man so many times it’s ok to not be ok. I’ve told him there’s nothing wrong with seeking help. I’ve told him if he sees a colleague struggling take the time to check on him, be authentic when saying you can talk to me. This needs to end. Those hands are meant to bring life into the world, console and comfort, defend themselves and others. Those hands were never supposed to be used to take their lives. Those hands are just too precious! There’s so much left for those hands to do. With those hands they were supposed to give their daughter away or shake their sons’ hands. With those hands they were supposed to hug their spouses again. With those hands they were supposed to do endless number of things. Those hands cannot be replaced. 

If you or someone you know have suicidal thoughts please reach out to someone at the Suicide Help Line 1-800-273-8255

If you need help finding a counselor you can reach out to those at Married 2 The Badge by emailing them at admin@married2thebadge.com

l Kerry-Ann l

Marriage

I have been sitting at my keyboard for the last hour trying to figure out what I was going to write about this week. I have been out of the loop on any events outside of my little family, so I have no current event things brewing. No new tattoos lately to get myself riled up (if you remember one of my previous posts), and thankfully no LODD/injuries. I’ve been ignoring the news and social media, (for the most part, I am aware of what is happening in Afghanistan because I have family members and friends deployed right now.) so, it’s been a nice break to just enjoy my family. Focus on our family’s core value which is quality time.

Here we go I found it! Knew it was in there somewhere, ha! Do you guys have a value list in your family? If you don’t, I highly recommend it! It’s something I implemented rather recently in the last probably 4 months or so. My husband and I wrote down what we want out of our lives singly, and our time together, what is important to us and our kids. I got the list from my life coach and was able to pick out what my top values are as my own person. Then, I did the same assessment with my husband, and lo and behold most of them were spot on the same. It’s easy to just get into the day-to-day life spins. I know. We were there. I mean I don’t have a life coach for no reason! I need that person to push me to be a better version of myself. I want to live a meaningful life that is rich and fulfilled.

So, once we compiled this list of values, we started brainstorming about how we can actually implement our values into our day to day life. One small step at a time, right? Our first value we established is Family. That is our number one priority always, no matter what. What does that mean to us though?

It looks like: giving in to our kids begging to stay up past bedtime to watch a movie and have popcorn. It’s ignoring the dishes in the sink and both parents giving the bath because those giggles and splashes in the tub are contagious. It’s taking a random weekday off work, kids at daycare, date day with my husband. Once we started making these small changes our lives have been richer, we’ve laughed more, worried about the messes less, and just enjoyed our times together.

Our second one was our own well-being. This is all facets of our self. Our physical self, emotional, spiritual, mental. If we are not whole ourselves, we cannot be whole for those that need us. Being whole for me means having alone time and feeling healthy. As a mom, and someone who solo parents a lot, alone time is far and few in between and being healthy would take a back burner most of the time. So instead of hitting that snooze every morning, I wake up, stretch, exercise, make coffee and have a shower before the house wakes up. I never realized how much I needed this time. I also didn’t really realize how much of a bear I was in the mornings. It was bad. Admitting the behavior is the first step, right? My husband’s are mental and emotional health. To him that’s mowing the grass, fishing, being outside putting around in the garage.

Before we wrote these things down, I would get so annoyed of his putting around; he was being “unproductive” in my eyes.  Yikes, typing that out sounds terrible doesn’t it! It was his downtime to just be on auto pilot mode. He has to be hyper-vigilant 12 hours a day for days on end. So of course he likes to just come home and do mindless tasks while listening to music or podcasts! I no longer get annoyed when I come home and the dishes are still in the sink (from us skipping them the night before) and he was home all day. I should add, our house “duties” are split pretty equally; he does the laundry and vacuums an obsessive amount; I don’t remember the last time I dusted but I do usually clean up the kitchen. 

Awareness. That’s all it is. Awareness that our values are the same, but the way we handle them can be entirely different. That’s ok though! We aren’t the same exact person, that’d be weird. I love his obsessive vacuuming because that means I don’t have to. I love that he putts around the garage and organizes it for the 300th time since we moved to our house 4 years ago because then I can house my car there! I know that he thinks waking up at 5AM is insane and eating salads for lunch sounds awful. We are our own people, but with our family values highlighted, we can live a rich and meaningful life together and enjoy almost every minute; and in this crazy LEOW life, every minute counts!

l Danielle l

Make This Your Truth

I’m just going to ask…and you definitely don’t have to answer…but…when is the last time you and your LEO were intimate?  You know…when you and him…you know…had private adult time in the bedroom…or in the laundry room for that matter? 

Loving someone in law enforcement can be trying at times (heck, that’s sort of like pointing out that the taste of kale resembles bug spray).  Maybe it’s frustration over broken dinner plans due to your LEO working a late call.  Maybe it’s his suddenly grumpy mood when something seems to be weighing on him (he swears nothing is wrong as he yells at a jar of pickles).  Maybe it’s simply the worry and anxiety that settles in your chest the second he walks out the front door.  Maybe you’re just flat out tired.   

Whatever it is, at some point, your once vibrant sex life has now fallen to the wayside…and is now stuck in the mud on the side of the road…and a family of opossums is building a nest on it.  

Like anything else in marriage, your intimate life requires effort and attention.  But there’s the kids, overtime shifts, dinner to burn, guns to clean, boots to polish, toilets to scrub, SWAT callouts, soccer practice, and, and, and…the list goes on.  While it seems that sex is something we can simply shove to the side, don’t underestimate its importance in our relationships.  The ability to have that type of physical and emotional connection with each other is extremely valuable. 

If you’re in a bit of a dry spell there are things that can be done to get back on track.  Start by making the time you do have together count.  Put down the cell phones and turn off the tablets to focus on each other.  Get up off the couch, turn off the TV, go for a walk and be sure to hold hands! 

What about date nights?  Yes, it is imperative to continue dating your spouse.  I still love it when my LEO texts me and asks me if I can grab a quick lunch with him!  It lets me know I’m on his mind and that he still wants to spend time with me.  Do the same for him!  It doesn’t always have to be a fancy, expensive dinner and show.  Heck, plan a picnic on the living room floor. 

Leave each other love notes. You don’t have to carve out an entire sonnet proclaiming your undying love, but a sticky, yellow post-it slapped on the bathroom mirror with a wish for a nice day can do a lot to show you’re thinking about your spouse.   

I know it may not sound like the most romantic thing ever, but make an appointment!  We don’t always have the luxury of being spontaneous, so pick a time when you know you’ll both be home, circle it a few hundred times on the calendar, and make it happen! 

Our tough, strong LEOs may not voice it, and they may not even admit it, but they do need to feel loved too.  I know for some of us that it might not come naturally, but make the first move!  You just might surprise yourself…and him. 

I’m sure there are a zillion little other things that can be done to fan that little flicker of a flame into a raging wildfire.  Remember…the grass isn’t always greener on the other side…it’s greenest where you water it.  How do you keep your flame burning? Or your grass watered?  Or your laundry room…shakin’? 

l Sandee l

Be Safe

Before I got married, I was talking to one of my patients and she said, “I’m going to give you some advice; that saying, ‘never go to bed mad.’ it’s bulls***. Go to bed mad, sometimes a good night’s rest is all you need to resolve an argument. Sometimes, it’s not, but at least you will be levelheaded and not in the moment saying things you may not mean. Remember though, if it’s not going to be important in a week, it’s not worth fighting or being angry about at all.”

Now in our house our rule is, ‘never go to work mad’, but sometimes we do go to bed mad. She was right. There hasn’t been a fight that hasn’t been resolved from a good night’s sleep and actual conversation. 

We have had a rough few weeks in our house with a lot of negative energy. We had a LODD in a town within the county my husband works for, coupled with both of us working a lot of overtime, funeral details, and just the emotional toll that takes on both of us. Our kids are busy and sassy (4 and 2, independent is an understatement and the house is always in disarray) and the mixture of everything has just left us both easily annoyed.

First off, I’m just not a nice person when I don’t get enough sleep. Meanwhile, I swear my husband gets 3 hours and he’s totally fine. He also is very guarded with his emotions, something we work through, but it’s not natural for him to talk about it. Where as, I’m constantly word vomiting everything. Second, our “fights” are usually very small. Like the other day, I was mad because I told him I didn’t want to go to work and his response was, “Well, ya got about 35 more years so buck up, Babe!” (Please see the first sentence of this paragraph.) Going on a few hours of sleep, I was so annoyed by that comment. I stormed off to work with a, “See ya tonight” thrown over my shoulder.

Once I got to work, I remembered my husband was working an overtime shift that day and I had just left without our normal ritual of 3 kisses, a hug, and a, “be safe, Babe”. Now, I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious. (If you know that quote, we can be friends.) Instantly, all my annoyances quickly disappeared, and I realized in the grand scheme of things that they were super petty. I know he didn’t mean to upset me; we are both extremely sarcastic people and joke a lot. I also know when I’m struggling, and I usually am pretty good at keeping myself in check mental health-wise. I was tired, burnt out, and emotional from the last couple weeks. But I was taking my own frustrations out on my favorite person. I quickly called him and he was just getting ready for work. I told him I was sorry for being a brat that morning and left without a kiss. We did our “before work ritual” virtually, and the weight was lifted.

Does anyone else do that?! Feel like if they don’t do whatever ritual it is they do with their spouse before a shift that they have just jinxed something? Maybe I’m just crazy (I mean I know I am a little...) but I seriously felt sick to my stomach when I realized I left without a kiss. That rule “never go to work mad” was broken. Sometimes I pretend we are just a normal family, living an ordinary life. Then things like a LODD happen. My husband goes to a call where someone has taken their life and little kids are in the house too. Or administers Narcan while a 9-month-old is crying in a crib in the house. Or arrives on scene of a fatal accident involving a teenager and has to go tell his parents.

We are reminded our lives are far from ordinary. We can’t live by the basic “rules” of marriage. We have to create our own to survive our relationships and this LEOW life. Marriage is hard work, throw in the daily traumas our spouses see and it minimizes all the other things. In a way, it makes you stop and smell the roses a little more. I know it’s hard when you are in the throes of it all, believe me, we are far from perfect. Sometimes though, I think about that one little sentence my patient  told me 7 years ago and I am reminded that sometimes it’s ok to break the societal norm when it comes to our relationships and make up our own rules. Life isn’t about fitting in anyway, right?! If it works for you, then it works. So here’s to a new week of positive energy and extra sleep! 

l Danielle l

Find the Good

Many of us by now know that the realities of loving a LEO can mean late or missed dinners, attending family functions alone, broken plans, and sleeping in a half empty bed…just to name a few (don’t even get me started on how just once I’d like to face the front door instead of the wall at a restaurant).  So often I find myself studying the tougher side of being married to a LEO because I’m constantly trying to figure out how to be stronger, how to get through lonely nights, and how to manage my worry and anxiety as it sky rockets when he walks out the door for his shift.  

For almost 29 years I have been married to my LEO and I can say in all honestly that there has been plenty in this lifestyle that just flat-out hits hard.  So why even attempt it?    

If you are new to loving a LEO, and you’re asking yourself the same question, let me be absolutely clear…all of the good definitely outweighs the bad!  We tend to find ourselves easily discussing how to get through the tough stuff, but I think it is just as important to take a minute and focus on all of the amazing things that are a part of being a LEOW.   

Here are just a few examples off the top of my head: 

The decision to “protect & serve” your community is an honorable and admirable choice.  Not everyone has what it takes to do this job.  My LEO takes pride in what he does each day and I can’t say how proud I am of him enough! 

When we are out and about together, I just feel safe.  As often happens after years of training and doing this job, my LEO is constantly aware of his surroundings while I, on the other hand, often have no clue of what street we’re even on.   

Being a LEOW means having an instant blue family to lean on.  By no means does every career offer this…it is a truly special phenomenon.  I haven’t met even a fraction of the officers at his department or their wives, but should we need them, I know they are there for us and vice versa. 

I have become more flexible and resilient than I ever thought I would be.  There have been trying and challenging moments for sure:  feeling like a single parent, changing plans at the last minute, feeling resentful…feeling guilty for feeling resentful…but all in all, I think I’ve learned how to adapt and to be more resourceful on my own when I need to be. That might mean scrambling to find a ride home from a friend when we are at a ball field and he needs to get to a SWAT call.  It also might mean crawling out of bed at the crack of dawn to scour the house for 20 minutes looking for some piece of his equipment that has mysteriously gone missing only to finally hear, “Oh hey, I just remembered I left it in my locker at work.”  (Swell).  You arrive to work tired as heck, looking 27 years older than you are, and down 3 pots of coffee, but you do get through it. 

Most of the time this career comes with great benefits.  We’ve been blessed with health insurance, a solid retirement plan, and financial stability.  The way current events of the world have been over the past year, not everyone gets to say that and our family is extremely thankful. 

Last, but not least…quite simply, I love my LEO.  When I married this man he was not a police officer, but it was made clear to me from day one that it was his goal in life to become one.  It went from being his goal, to our goal as I helped him fill out a 29 page background information packet…on a typewriter…like way back when the delete button was a bottle of white out…I’m talking before free drink refills even.  When you love someone, you want nothing more than to see that person happy and fulfilled.  He has never once spoken of changing paths.  It’s who he is supposed to be and it thrills me to know we got him there together so many years ago. 

If you’re struggling today, I encourage you to dig down deep, and take a moment to look at all of the good that comes from life in a law enforcement family.  Sometimes I know, when you’re in the thick of the tough stuff, the good can seem hard to find, but I promise it’s there.  What's your good for today?  

l Sandee l

Fix Your Crown, and Hers

We have all heard about or seen the post about: Queens fixing another Queen’s crown without telling the world it was crooked. We all claim to be that type of person but in reality that is far from the truth. There are a few who are genuinely like this. I’ve met them so I know they exist. The sad part of this is in our LEOW community not many exists. Our small community where supporting each other is vital you don’t get to see this on full display. News flash the top is big enough for everyone. The stage is wide enough for all to fit.

No, I wasn’t hurt by another wife, I’ve been blessed enough to be surrounded by some great ladies. Ladies that want to see me win and I’m rooting for them the same way. Jealousy exists everywhere, I recognize that but it should not be this way. I remember reaching out to an author whose book I wanted to use in my Bible Study. I wanted to know if she would be willing to talk to my group at some point during the study. She said yes and kept her word. I was fully bracing for her to ignore me. Reading her books have been truly life changing for me. She has inspired me to be bold about who I am as a LEOW and a Christian in the Law Enforcement community. She inspired me to take my place to be or inspire a necessary change. One who will show others how to fix another Queen’s crown without telling the world it was crooked. We all saw how that turned for Ham, Noah’s son in Genesis 9. I shared a desire with her I believed the Lord put on my heart. She has been one of my biggest cheerleaders. When I read her books and I talk to her, I see the same person.

I have a heart for seeing other women win in life. I love being the biggest cheerleader for others. We all know that society in general is against Law Enforcement. There is no need for us to put each other down or compete against each other. I love using the term Blue Line Sorority Sisters, they support each other, root for each other and lift each other up. There shouldn’t be an us vs them. Political views shouldn’t divide us, our spouse’s position shouldn’t alienate us, our personal decisions shouldn’t disqualify us from the club. We truly should always be ready to help another wife whenever the needs arise without a motive.

l Kerry-Ann l

Whirlwind Life

The emotional roller coaster of this LEOW life is so exhausting. It’s frustrating to go from flying high, feeling like you want to change the world one week, to barely keeping it together the next. From feeling like you have it all together and this LEOW life figured out to a lump in your throat, knots in your stomach, and autopilot mode. Unfortunately, the hard weeks come. They happen to all of us at one point or another during our spouse’s career. We find ourselves standing on the side of the road with our blue shirts, flags, our cheeks burning, feeling simultaneous pride and grief. We send our officers out the door with that extra piece of fabric around their badges and we try to put a smile on our faces and focus on work, kids, school, etc. but it really is impossible. The what-ifs become louder and more real. The things you push to the back of your mind, the things none of us want to think about become deafening and all encompassing.

It could happen to our officer, any shift, and that my friends is what makes this life, and us, different.

It is so unfortunate we have to experience this (far too often) in our lives. This career our spouses chose is not just a job. We become fully engulfed in their livelihoods. We rearrange our entire worlds for them. We raise kids, have meals, celebrate holidays, birthdays, anniversaries around their schedules. It is so hard sometimes. There are days we have it all together and I’m not bothered one bit by him going to work. There are also days I am keepin’ it together by a frayed thread. 

Watching our kids wave and blow kisses out the window as dad flashes his lights and he pulls out of the driveway, hearing their little voices say, “God watch over Daddy!”, gets me every time. They have NO idea what that truly means. Why we ask God to always watch over daddy, it’s just something we do when he goes to work. To them it’s, dare I say “normal”… But it’s not.

It’s not normal to watch your husband salute a co-worker as he’s being laid to rest for doing his job.

It’s not normal to watch friends get critically injured physically and mentally, just for going to work.

It’s not normal to watch your husband strap body armor on as he walks to his car for a shift.

It’s not normal to feel that pit in your stomach every time you see the Officer Down Memorial Page post for the 4th consecutive day of a hero lost in the line of duty by gunfire.

Watching your kids wave and ask God to watch over there daddy just for going to work is not normal.

Some days I wish my husband was going to work at a “normal” job like a bank or a burger shack. I don’t know….anywhere else but pulling out in a squad car. But then I see him in his uniform. I see our kids’ eyes light up when he puts his siren on and flashes his lights. I see him honor heroes making the ultimate sacrifice. Every once in a while I even see a positive social media post and I know that this is where we’re supposed to be. I know this is what he is supposed to be doing and that our family was meant to be a blue family. It doesn’t make the hard days any easier, it just makes the hard days worth it. This is a hard week all over the country for Law Enforcement, but I am so thankful to have found this group, and this outlet to be able to reach you all. Breath deep, and remember the hard days don’t last forever.

l Danielle l

You Have to Nourish to Flourish

My LEO and I just arrived home from an absolutely lovely vacation. 6 days of uninterrupted time with him all to myself.  It was relaxing.  It was refreshing.  It was so very good for the soul.  Would you like to know what we talked about?  Absolutely nothing.  We’ve been home for 24 hours and I can’t even remember a single conversation that we had.   Now, I know you might be thinking…just exactly how many glasses of wine did you consume on this trip…but I promise that’s not it at all. 

Spending time together doesn’t necessarily mean it has to be all about verbal communication.  Don’t get me wrong…of course solid communication is beyond important in a relationship…I mean…duhhhhhhh.  But, just taking some time to be with each other doesn’t always have to be about the big talks or having an agenda.  There doesn’t always have to be a serious conversation where all of our life’s problems or issues are discussed in order to bring you closer to one another.  Shared experiences and a few simple minutes with your partner also strengthens your bond greatly and can provide a great, positive emotional boost.   

Spending quality time together is not the easiest thing to come by in a LEO family. Between the overtime shifts, call-outs, and training days, there are lawns to mow, groceries to buy, and kids to feed.  Sometimes, we all need a little reminder that aside from God, our marriage is the glue and foundation of our families…not the jobs, cars, house, or even the kids.  If we aren’t careful, it can fall to the wayside quickly and many times, we don’t even realize it’s been ignored for so long until it’s too late. 

A trip away isn’t of course always doable, but spending real time together doesn’t have to wait for money saved or until the kids have a babysitter and you have a week off from work.   Make it a priority to spend a few minutes together here and there if that’s all you’ve got right now. Take a walk together – 20 minutes.  Share your new favorite song – 3 minutes.  Play a board game – 1 hour.  Make dinner together – 30 minutes.  Others might not understand what a big deal 5 minutes can be, but I’ve gone days before living under the same roof without setting eyes on my LEO.  With working opposite shifts, I'm sure that happens to quite a lot of us.

Waking up this morning back at home, I turned on the TV to see my LEO’s department once again in the news for all of the wrong reasons.  I could sit and read the social media comments and start stressing out immediately, or I could just tell myself how I am so very grateful for the break we had from reality…even if it was just a few days.  My heart is thankful that we had time to sit in the sun, laugh a little, and for the simple reminder that we are not only husband and wife, but best friends.   

l Sandee l

Night Shift Mind

My husband recently returned to day shift from being on nights since October of last year. What I’m about to say may not be popular but it’s my truth. I love when my hubby is on nights. I don’t worry, I don’t have sleepless nights, I don’t call him several times to ensure he’s ok. Instead I enjoy my nightly alone time. Actually whichever shift he is on I’ve learned to find the benefit in it.

When we were both working it was complicated if he ever had to work nights because I worked nights as well. We didn’t want our son in daycare because he’s not able to communicate effectively. But now that I work at home, everything is different. Both day shift and night shift has it benefits and draw backs. However, I don’t focus on those. To me, both shifts provide the same amount of danger and requires the same amount of caution.

When my hubby is on nights I take advantage of having the bed to myself. What’s funny is I still only sleep on my side. I get to watch whatever I want in its entirety. When everyone is asleep I can get caught up on work or writing. If it’s not a heavy traffic night for him we’ll talk via FaceTime for a bit. There are two things that we have incorporated into our nightly routine. Our son calls him via FaceTime nightly to say good night. Of course it’s hit or miss depending on if he’s on a call or the kind of call. Sometimes it’s a full 2 mins, other times it’s a mere 30 seconds. If he doesn’t answer he’ll say daddy is busy mom, he ‘ll call back. The other is I don’t go to bed without calling to say goodnight either. If he doesn’t answer I’ll send a follow-up text saying goodnight. Bitmojis are awesome!

We ensure the kids understand the demands of daddy’s job. When he’s on nights they understand the dynamics and what that means. When he’s on days they have a mind shift and understands that as well. I fully believe our kids don’t respond negatively to their Father being on nights because I don’t. It’s all about one’s attitude. What kind of attitude do you display before your kids about your spouse’s job? Our son is 6 and he has the best attitude towards his father’s career. I don’t know if my outlook on night shift makes me a fake LEOW or not, but either way, not worrying and being stressed is a way better way of living my life.

l Kerry-Ann l